Yesterday Was Dark, But I Can See Now
I wasn't born blind. Ten years ago I stopped seeing things.
When goodness, luck, and beauty left my world, and I decided I didn't want to see beautify things,
or have hopeful thoughts. So I stopped looking for them. Eventually, I devoloped
"Happiness Blindness."
I simply closed my eyes, and thought about instant gratification, and getting what I want, whenever,
from whoever; at whatever cost.
Cause I certaining had no intentions of paying the piper.
In fact, I may have robbed and raped her for all I know
The best thing about the past decade, is I somehow survived it.
Oh yeah, I also missed 10 years of potential opperrtunity,beauty, accomplishment and
tons of things that broght joy to me when I was different.
Back when I was happy. I was 27 or 28 when the happiness and excitement left my life.
I didn't stop and think, "How do I fix this?"
I drifted and drugged, and invented a world in my head for me.
I was alone and numb. I lived in a comfortable adult womb.
I forgot I was alive at times. Nobody noticed, but how would I know?
I really lived 10 years with my eyes closed to the things I used to derive
joy, hope, and strength from.
And the silent little crutches I convinced my mind to accept
as a part of doing business in my head.
If I had to be awake, I didn't want to feel the pain of my wasted life.
I wanted to be high in a purgatory life of my design. I drove that life for 10 years.
When the car finally died. I realized I hadn't moved an inch.
Any traveling was in my imagination, that I rewired to ignore the world for the most part.
There is something to be said for shutting things out and self-medicating for a day or two.
Most people call that "letting loose" or "taking a me day.'
I made this my life's work. Shutting out life while you are alive is not only counter-intuitive, but it is selfish, dangerous, and unhealthy.
August 27 (yesterday) 2013 I opened my eyes, and closed all the doors
to impulse, greed, deception, fear, and the want of stuff and the lust for naked flesh,
and the women who offered it.
So I needed to change something, many things, and re-invent a new life.
Or, kill myself while living the miserable one I shared the last decade with.
This blog is really a diary, and an outlet for me that is safe. If somebody read it for 96
seconds (the average time to read a post) and gets a rise or a laugh or idea from it, I would
like that too.
When goodness, luck, and beauty left my world, and I decided I didn't want to see beautify things,
or have hopeful thoughts. So I stopped looking for them. Eventually, I devoloped
"Happiness Blindness."
I simply closed my eyes, and thought about instant gratification, and getting what I want, whenever,
from whoever; at whatever cost.
Cause I certaining had no intentions of paying the piper.
In fact, I may have robbed and raped her for all I know
The best thing about the past decade, is I somehow survived it.
Oh yeah, I also missed 10 years of potential opperrtunity,beauty, accomplishment and
tons of things that broght joy to me when I was different.
Back when I was happy. I was 27 or 28 when the happiness and excitement left my life.
I didn't stop and think, "How do I fix this?"
I drifted and drugged, and invented a world in my head for me.
I was alone and numb. I lived in a comfortable adult womb.
I forgot I was alive at times. Nobody noticed, but how would I know?
I really lived 10 years with my eyes closed to the things I used to derive
joy, hope, and strength from.
And the silent little crutches I convinced my mind to accept
as a part of doing business in my head.
If I had to be awake, I didn't want to feel the pain of my wasted life.
I wanted to be high in a purgatory life of my design. I drove that life for 10 years.
When the car finally died. I realized I hadn't moved an inch.
Any traveling was in my imagination, that I rewired to ignore the world for the most part.
There is something to be said for shutting things out and self-medicating for a day or two.
Most people call that "letting loose" or "taking a me day.'
I made this my life's work. Shutting out life while you are alive is not only counter-intuitive, but it is selfish, dangerous, and unhealthy.
August 27 (yesterday) 2013 I opened my eyes, and closed all the doors
to impulse, greed, deception, fear, and the want of stuff and the lust for naked flesh,
and the women who offered it.
So I needed to change something, many things, and re-invent a new life.
Or, kill myself while living the miserable one I shared the last decade with.
This blog is really a diary, and an outlet for me that is safe. If somebody read it for 96
seconds (the average time to read a post) and gets a rise or a laugh or idea from it, I would
like that too.